Southend Manor v Tower Hamlets

The Arena Stadium, Southchurch Park

Essex Senior League

January 30, 2016

Ground No 184

 

 

THE superlatives flowed, the words echoed loudly around Southend Manor's small stepped standing area and the passion for the game unfolding in front of him burst forth with vigour.

 

The voice behind the microphone was filled with enthusiasm, excitement and zest. Well it would have been had there actually been a microphone.

 

It turns out this was my first encounter with Neil Collins AKA The Pretend Commentator.

 

Being a Johnny Come Lately to the South-East non-league scene, I hadn't come across Neil before or even heard of him.

 

But it transpires he's a well-known figure in Essex and East London, attending games with his headphones, stopwatch at notebook, spending all 90 minutes describing the action in his own infectious and attentive style, adding a fair sprinkling of facts, figures and observations too.

 

And let's not forget the quirky quips - "This is football not ice hockey," after the third goal went in; "It looks as though the sun will be orange and not yellow tonight," as Tower Hamlets (in orange) powered to a 3-1 win over Southend Manor (in yellow). I've heard worse from real commentators.

 

Videos of him have gone viral and he's been featured both in the local press and The Sun Online. Non-league football is rarely short of characters and Neil surely has to be one of the biggest. This was an entertaining match with four goals, but you get the impression he'd have been no less enthusiastic had it ended goalless.

 

By all accounts he's been giving running updates at matches for a number of years now so I daresay our paths will cross again.

 

The ground sits within Southchurch Park, the cricket pitch and pavilion to one side and a kids' playground behind one goal, and the entrance brings you in behind one of the two small stands.

 

To the right as you walk in is the bar/clubhouse which, as I discovered is far more cosy and welcoming I side than it looks from the outside.

 

The main stand is a simple, modern 160-seat metal and plastic structure, with the player's entrance emerging from its halfway point. Next to that is a small covered, similarly simple metal stepped standing area from where, along with the man with the invisible mic and a handful of fans, I watched the action.

 

That's it as far as the ground goes. Like many Essex Senior League grounds there's not a whole lot to it and, you have to say, The Arena gives a rather overstated impression of what's within the perimeter walls.

 

Not that I'm complaining - I had a friendly welcome at the entrance, the obligatory half-time cuppa hit the spot and it was a lively, entertaining game... with free commentary thrown in.